the best and worst year at the same time.

i look back on 2014 and i can't believe it was only a single year.
it started less than ideal. my husband was out of state, i felt gross and bloated and couldn't find anything cute to wear. i went out with good friends, but i ended up closing the bar and being a total asshole. i would call a cab, forget, then not pick up the phone. repeat. i was every cab company's nightmare patron, next to just stiffing them with the bill. eventually i just got a ride, but the night ended angry and lonely, and the new year started hungover and embarrassed. who do i need to apologize to now? here we go again. this will never change.

i could easily go in to how awful everything became. the slow decline, month to month. but the thing is- there was a lot of good that sprung up from it. so, lets focus on that.
this is the year i learned how to start liking myself. like, truly like myself, not just act like it.
 it always used to hinge delicately on anyone's word- when i would receive a critique or a side comment, hear something through the grapevine, my day would be ruined. "you are not a good person" would loom over me like a storm cloud. i can't base my self worth on what the person who's only met me once thinks, or the disgruntled client in my chair. the person who i accidentally cut off merging on to 35W. it just is what it is.
i like myself enough finally to be alone. and not alone, laying on my couch watching netflix, glorping down chinese food, dripping soy sauce all over my shirt (ok, maybe that did happen), but having a nice dinner at a nice restaurant alone, without looking at my phone. going for a drive on a rainy day, blasting the album that only i seem to like (nightmare before christmas soundtrack). taking a relaxing soak. going to the mall alone and treating myself to a new top, because i had a good week. im finally starting to do those things.

im more appreciative.
i was reminded how amazing my family is. even though we get on each other's nerves, isn't that just how it works? my parent's helped me get in to the treatment center (those places are expensive, holy shit). they brought me books and snacks. went to family meetings on how they could help me for when i got out. answering the phone after i've called a million times because my memory is shot, or listening to me vent over and over, advice unwavering.
my husband, who i need to constantly remind myself i deserve someone like him. he's the best man in the world, after all i've put him through. for better or for worse, til death do us part.
i have friends who make me laugh and cheer me on. listen to me when im having a bad day. friends who have known me since daycare and still like me anyways. this was also the year i realized facebook was ridiculous, and got rid of it. the only thing i miss is how easy it was to contact people, but then i remember there are things called phones and emails. life existed before it, and it does after it too.

im grateful for all the cool stuff i've been able to see in my life. this was the year i saw iceland, sweden, poland, england and ireland for the 1st time. i got to see my favorite band in chicago. i explored alaska, parts of it all by myself.
 i was drunk pretty much the entire time i was in europe, which breaks my heart. there are parts that i don't remember AT ALL. (ever look back on your phone the day after a crazy bar night and see pictures you forgot you took? yeah. try seeing pictures of yourself in front of fucking castles that you forgot you took). i was overwhelmed in AK, taking it all in, unspoiled by my addiction. it was just so damn beautiful. im excited to have those feelings again, for the places i'll visit in the future.

the biggest positive is me finding my sobriety. my strength. working through my issues as they come, and doing it in front of everyone, be it online or in a group. saying who you are, what you are and what you've done over and over, it never makes it easy but it works. it forces you to accept things.
i am not ashamed and i am not afraid of judgement.
none of us can cast the 1st stone.

1st sober new years in 14 years. im going to learn how to make sushi and fancy mocktails, then do. it. up! marathon a tv series (it's down to twin peaks or x-files) and go to bed early.
this is the year i learned how wonderful a night like that can be.

if you find yourself reading this, i wish you a happy new year. remember, it's whatever you want it to be.