i set up this blog about a month ago, but found myself almost ashamed to write. im not embarrassed by my recent struggles. if anything, it's quite the opposite. i'm practically walking up to strangers and dancing with them, because me being sober (currently at 103 days) is nothing short of miraculous.
i felt like i wasn't going to say anything new. but now....it's saying something new for me. i'm getting better, i can feel it. im forgiving myself. this doesn't seem impossible. im hopeful.
and some people hate that.
i was warned when i 1st delved in to this process, ready and willing, sick of being sick, that people would react in strange ways. i didn't even bat an eye at the idea of my inner circle changing, but little did i know it would do just that. for all these years i've confided in a person who can't wait for me to fail. a person so obviously wounded by my triumphs that they can't be happy for me. a person who looked me directly in the eyes as i was near tears, wanting a vodka soda SO bad because it was a snowy day (to the alcoholic brain, that is a totally justifiable reason), and flatly said "i have no empathy for you. none".
and so, after multiple therapy sessions and doing some deep self reflection , i realized i need to cut the cord. and today i did. and it totally sucked.
why do the most awful things happen when you are in such a vulnerable position? the last thing someone needs when they are figuring out the "new" version of themselves is criticism, isn't this one of the very reasons why we use? anyone who makes it a point to get help deserves respect, but the ones who can navigate this minefield are an inspiration. you can do this. i will get through this.
i feel lighter. i feel anxious from putting my foot down. i feel disappointed. i feel free. i feel frustrated. i hate that this had to happen. but, the operative words are : it had to happen. these actions do not negate all that we had together, only my progress. now i need to just repeat that in my brain over and over and over and...
i had to start this tonight. and i think, in the event of such a pivotal change, it has now sparked my need to write. this was meant to be, it just wasn't the right timing.
i felt like i wasn't going to say anything new. but now....it's saying something new for me. i'm getting better, i can feel it. im forgiving myself. this doesn't seem impossible. im hopeful.
and some people hate that.
i was warned when i 1st delved in to this process, ready and willing, sick of being sick, that people would react in strange ways. i didn't even bat an eye at the idea of my inner circle changing, but little did i know it would do just that. for all these years i've confided in a person who can't wait for me to fail. a person so obviously wounded by my triumphs that they can't be happy for me. a person who looked me directly in the eyes as i was near tears, wanting a vodka soda SO bad because it was a snowy day (to the alcoholic brain, that is a totally justifiable reason), and flatly said "i have no empathy for you. none".
and so, after multiple therapy sessions and doing some deep self reflection , i realized i need to cut the cord. and today i did. and it totally sucked.
why do the most awful things happen when you are in such a vulnerable position? the last thing someone needs when they are figuring out the "new" version of themselves is criticism, isn't this one of the very reasons why we use? anyone who makes it a point to get help deserves respect, but the ones who can navigate this minefield are an inspiration. you can do this. i will get through this.
i feel lighter. i feel anxious from putting my foot down. i feel disappointed. i feel free. i feel frustrated. i hate that this had to happen. but, the operative words are : it had to happen. these actions do not negate all that we had together, only my progress. now i need to just repeat that in my brain over and over and over and...
i had to start this tonight. and i think, in the event of such a pivotal change, it has now sparked my need to write. this was meant to be, it just wasn't the right timing.
Very well wriiten and filled with astute observation. Deeply authentic cathartic experience in the making. Good on you.
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