Occam's razor

happy valentine's day! i hope you're finding a little extra love shining down upon you today, whether it be from a significant other, a cat kneading on your stomach purring, or a happy dog licking your face. a call, a card, a pat on the back. indulging in some ice cream (or the whole pint, i won't tell), curled up on the couch by yourself, watching the rom-com you kinda hate that you like so much. i think that sounds awesome.
today is what you make it, even if all you make of it is that it's just another day.

i haven't written in a long time. at points it seemed like there was just simply nothing to write about, and at others it was so unbearably much that i couldn't even put it in to words. or, i didn't want to.
i've had enough time to think.

it's the prime time for me to vent about love, and not on the frustrations that come with a partnership, or the process of finding one. why it is so. hard. to look at yourself objectively, and love yourself anyways? why do we give anyone but ourselves the upper hand sometimes? im not necessarily posing that question, being like "AND NOW, HERE'S THE ANSWER!" if i knew, i wouldn't be an alcoholic in treatment. none of this would exist.
 i've been hating myself for as long as i can remember, and only recently have i realized it.... but why?? what created the measure that caused me to judge myself so harshly? i want to find out and punch it in the face, but i think that's just how life's mysteries work.
sobriety is the 1st step to finding that out, im sure of it. im holding on to that, tightly.

i like to think im smart and funny. at my core, i try to be kind and thoughtful. im creative, and i usually have awesome hair. i've visited lots of cool places, and have dedicated myself to several passions. i like to think i have good taste (but, don't we all? haha) and i have a ton of random interests that i thoroughly enjoy. if you ever need to know anything in depth about the sumarian culture and their relationship with the annunaki, or want to talk about victorian era surgical procedures, im your lady.
but it wasn't good enough.
none of anything i ever did, or ever liked, or pursued, or gained, or earned, amounted to shit- for yeeeeeears- in my brain. i was forever the kid in 7th grade getting picked last for gym class. i was the insults my boyfriend told me. i was the girl who tried and failed, and just decided to quit so she'd never have to feel that way again. i was merely all of my life's shortcomings arranged into the shape of a woman, and i lubricated her words and movements with whatever i could get my hands on. it usually takes more than one person to put on a play.

 there were many times that i surrounded myself with people who felt the same way about themselves, so i could be in good company. like this was actually a normal way to feel. i could compare myself and in some way justify my misdeeds. "oh my god, so-and-so got trashed last night, and totally peed their pants! they were such a mess!" ha, well. i sure didn't do that, therefore, i totally have my shit together and am way better at life. go me!! LOOK AT HOW GOOD I AM TO MYSELF!!! heaven forbid the time came where i was the pee pants. then it would flip. i would lean on people who were going "shoosh, i totally have my shit together. at least im not like her", and then i'd be consoled with fake praise, which raised their spirits higher, falsely, which re-assured me, falsely, and then we all got to go on our merry little ways feeling better about ourselves without doing any real work besides secretly being awful.  if you do that long enough, you trick yourself into thinking you're truly a well meaning individual.

when someone speaks openly of being the "better" person, it usually means the opposite. good people just do good deeds, and don't feel the need to tell everyone. it's not that you wanted to do something for the sake of it, but that you wanted people to know you did it. to show how truly likable you are, because you can hide the not-so-likable intentions. im learning this, and it's slowly becoming less difficult to put into practice. i was the queen of facebook statuses that screamed "tell me: what a good job im doing!/how great i am!/how jealous you are of me!/how fun i am!/how pretty am!/ how nice i am!" what a wonderful life i live. because, in those empty comments sent by people who could only see me at the highly edited and best version of myself, only then could i feel consistent validation. the empty spot that was too painful for me to deal with on my own was spackled over by thin praise, and i took it and ran because at least it was something other than my own thoughts.

whatever people said i was, i believed. my world would collapse upon any word of criticism. things were either good or bad. the idea of it being something in between- or maybe, it's just nothing at all!!- crippled me with anxiety. i was always trying to figure out people's ulterior motives, but now i realize that most of the time, it probably wasn't an issue. i was the only person who had those. i put an exhausting amount of effort into getting people to say the things i wanted to hear.
I COULDN'T CONTROL ANYTHING OR ANYONE, and it freaked me the fuck out.


the worst part about getting better is how hard it is. it's so, so, so hard to do the right thing for yourself. when people look at addiction, at face value, it's the most ridiculous sounding shit in the world. oh, cool- not only do i live with constant shame and embarrassment, i'm literally lying my way through life to get whatever i can in order to keep up with this game of....i don't even know what, anymore. let me hurt my loved ones and lose friends so i can go and do things i can't remember. so i can cry alone, not know up from down. i want to financially ruin myself, and go morally bankrupt. i want my body to fail, so slowly and painfully, that killing myself seems like the most compassionate choice. i want to hate myself so deeply, i no longer exist.
and then you do everything all over again, despite that.

why the hell would you possibly want that for yourself? 

because it's the momentum of it all. there's no time to look at things you don't want to look at. you're not obligated to feel the emotions that otherwise control you completely.

when you live your life in a blur, the moment it stops is so fucking scary. at least it was for me. it was like going from a dark room out onto a sunny porch- you can barely see. it's uncomfortable.
it's hard to process how self involved you were when you were using, and want to keep going. it's almost like you need to lie to yourself in order to feel like you deserve something different than what you were doing. we're good at lying! use it to your benefit, because sooner or later, that lie becomes reality: you are worth it.

in 2 weeks i will be 6 months sober. i can't even believe all the changes that have already happened, in not even a year. but.... i have over a decade's worth of drunken housekeeping to attend to. here are some lessons i have learned thus far (and maybe they will resonate and pertain to you too):

when you start to make positive changes in your life, don't be surprised if people aren't excited for you, or if they show less support than you anticipated. it's the most heartbreaking and confusing thing i've had to deal with, and totally falls back into the category of: is it even worth it? yes. it is.
people will act like what you're doing is selfish, and in a way it is, but- it's finally the right kind of selfish. learn how it feels, that difference. there's the selfish that weighs on your conscious so you drink yourself into oblivion, and there's the selfish that leaves you comfortable and relieved. the right version of selfish doesn't give you a pounding headache and awful sweats. it doesn't empty your bank account.
be selfish.

and if others act like what you're doing is easy, these major life changes and self realizations, just let them believe that. be almost happy for them, that they can't possibly understand. there's no use in wasting your time trying to explain to someone who doesn't want to listen.
one of the few things i heard in treatment that i keep close-  this problem didn't happen overnight, so why would it take that long to fix? some people won't understand that, and remember- they don't need to.  the most important part is that you do. 

i'll probably touch more on this in a different entry, but it's really straddling the line of what i blabbed on about just now- so, a few words in regards to other people's perceptions.
there are some people who will criticize you no matter what you do, and i wasn't able to conceive of the level of scrutiny i would potentially be subjecting myself to by posting my thoughts online, albeit anonymously. some will feel like they are allowed to tear you apart, or will search for the vaguest form of justification in order to do so. it didn't happen a lot, but just enough to have some power over my emotions for a short amount of time.
our undeserved entitlement.
thank god you're not like me. that you have your shit together. you are well meaning. truly likable.
ultimately, if you strip it down completely-  im not really saying anything new. im not the 1st person on the planet to get sober. this isn't the 1st time someone has gone through the aches and pains of doing this. but, guess what?
this is the 1st time for me.
 you don't have to read this. if you don't like what im doing, exercise your ability to move past my issues and on to yours. if you have nothing better to do than openly judge me for pouring my heart out, maybe you should find a hobby, or hey! you can start your own blog! one where you talk about anything you want, or write in any style you choose, because it belongs to you!  this is what's helpful for me, and judging from the amount of responses i've received, it's helpful for others too. this is not "recovery for dummies", or a professed self help blog. im not claiming to be a sage. all it is, and all i want it to be, is me writing about the good, the bad and the ugly of what i'm going through, and  finding some people who feel the same way in the process, or at the very least want to understand. im figuring this out, in front of everyone.
the things people feel they can say from the security of their computer screen is ridiculous.

 i really like to write. i used to do it all the time, and then it fell to the wayside. it's hard to do when your eyes are crossing (i mean, i definitely tried, but can i read it? ummmmm.. do you have a rosetta stone?) it feels good to have a long lost, much loved outlet back.
i ask you, if you are to extend such a level of criticism my way- what could you be doing with your time to possibly make your life a little better?

judge me not for my process, but for how many delicious chocolates im about to cram into my mouth, ok?